so proud

OMG who would've thunk it? me - a sewing gal!

i am really proud of this reversible bag. it's so pretty and made out of scraps from my first sewing projects.



here is my first skirt - ever. it has a zipper . . . what hell to make work . . . but i did it.


i feel so darn fashionable, and also so capable! turn up bearfoot bluegrass, drink a corona or two, follow a pattern . . . and it just sorta all comes together.

finally!

i don't know what my deal was for the last month or so - stopped blogging, stopped checking email, barely returned phone calls. bad daughter / bad friend. and then tonight, as i was tiptoeing our sloppy trail in the half-dark, i was thinking of all those i missed. friends giving birth, friends in big-life transitions, friends living on sailboats (!), friends that have passed elsewhere. everyone in her own separate space, and yet we carry each other in each step.

sorry i'm so lame at keeping in touch.

another "finally": 6 more days of school! wow - so excited for gardens and ducks and blueberry bushes - and yet i know i'm gonna miss those little buggers, too. graduation this year is seven boys - all of whom i had (my first year of teaching!) as skinny/chunky eighth graders. truly good kids, every last one of them.

went to san francisco a few weeks ago with five students - i love traveling with random groups of kids . . . i guess it's the freaky combinations of personalities all meshing, like family. i love it. and - teaching high school girls my own funky carpenter skills (they rock!) and hatching out chickens in the home ec room together and learning to sew side by side. (i finished my first skirt tonight! I AM SO PROUD. me + sewing + fitting = miracle. thanks goes entirely to ila! i'm hooked!) and story-writing about family. tough stuff and they are willing to go there . . . i'm gonna miss all that.

but also REALLY looking forward to late-late nights. (i am already starting to make the transition, as you can tell from a 1 a.m. blog.) and bike riding, and being on the water, and digging in dirt, and being with friends - again.

okay, picture time. oaxaca trip, to start. cute skirt to come!

from that jack black movie.

sea turtles. my favorite.

it'd be lovely if i knew how to rotate this picture of my handsome husband.

and where is the really cool picture of me looking like a pro as i boogie-board?? (some may say it doesn't exist, but, like my singing voice, i know in my heart i'm really, really good.)

oohhh-la-la

yesterday i felt the need to get out of the house, but it was all rain/sleet/slop outside. so instead i went out into our soon-to-be-finished sauna and piddled around. lit a fire; put up t & g in the entryway; took measurements for the rock-holder one of the shop kids is going to weld for us. then suddenly it got hot. like 140 hot, even with the big-ass window we put in and a sideways wind making things chilly outside. goodness, it was nice! first i striped down to my undies and sat amongst the tools on the bench. then i moved all the tools and it was just pure nakedness and sweat rolling down my sides and snowflakes fluttering towards the window. (that window was the best thing we could have done!) so, the sauna works!! and stretched out by my lonesome in that heat was pure, unexplainable, bliss.

okay, all you ladies out there: i think a tuesday knitting / sauna night at our place is officially in the works. (it'd be my first true knitting hosting ever . . . gez what a mooch i am!) and, all you non-seldovian friends, here is another excellent reason to visit this summer: i promise we won't put you to work on digging projects, and instead we can do the nightly sauna-sweat-indulge, complete with under the sky gin & tonics.

god, is anyone else ready for summer?

oh yes

these are pics from last march - spring skiing up on graduation ridge. march is just five days away - yow! - and it is currently 6:42 p.m. and not yet dark outside. i'm already planning new garden spaces, scouring seed catalogs, designing new additions to the cabin, and dreaming up reasons why i don't have to get a job this summer. (see: some people ski during the winter, while others pretend to be teaching; then, in the summer, some people get to lay in the sun, while others log long hours pounding nails. the problem is that some people don't ski enough during the winter and then still have to work in the summer. that makes for bad juju (and no new additions) and is why i probably WILL work this summer. don't worry, dad.) anyways, march = april = may. yeehaw!

brighter days

wow. sorry about that last post. it was a rough day.



i've been trying to download this goofy video of my goofy husband skiing with the crew (ya gotta love him - he doesn't care that he hasn't showered for a month, has duct tape on his pants, and boogers hanging out of his nose), but i can't get it to work. darnnit. anyways, the two pictures are of our new inverter system. it's fancy! all you do is press a button and - voila! - the lights come on. don't ask me how it works. all i know is we no longer have to run the generator all the time to have electricity. such progressive backwoods folks we are.

i'm so frustrated i want to just go to bed

ugh. i want to vent, but i can't because i'm a public school employee, and that just makes me all the more frustrated. i hope all bigoted decision-makers at central office are reading this. (okay, not really. i hope you are all quietly reading the NEA news, or something.) i guess it's just frustrating to try to approach teaching creatively - because that makes me feel good - and then to be shot down, again and again, by the fucking bureacratic machine. and i am even TRYING to jump through the hoops. and still, it doesn't work. and i wish i had more resiliency towards bureacray and stupid fucks - because, man, both are thick in public schools - but i quickly lose umph because the whole education system is so screwed up and upside down and contradictory, and here i am, part of it.
and there goes another kid shuffling off to class.
it just makes me sad, all the way around.

131 / 83

i just got back from my first winter bike ride of the season. before that, i smoked my last cigarette, threw the rest in the fire, and took my blood pressure using the walmart-special machine my dad sent us earlier this year. 131 over 83. that’s flippin high! yesterday, ati’s registered at 116/69. damn her and her denali-summiting abilities! but really, it’s time for me to get my act together. so this afternoon i took my bike down, checked the studded tires, pulled on warm puffy gloves and rode to dede’s and back – which is nothing – and felt my heart being squeezed through the tight grip of some evil-evil hand. four degrees outside, i struggled for my breath, silently cursed toivey for running in the road, and barely noticed the pink sun blaze across the mountains. a sweaty head and runny nose by the time i got back home – and i am only writing about this in my current state of general depletion because i want you to kick me in the ass if you see me faltering in this no more roll-ums endeavor.

back in eggs

the other day i came home from a shopping excursion to soldotna (i brought home a bathtub in the boat – pretty cool!) and as I was hauling the groceries down the trail to the house i stopped to check in on the chickens. and to my surprise: eggs! lots of them! these gals are the “survivor” chicks from the bear incident this summer. (they were under heat lights in the house, growing their feathers, and thereby avoided gruesome death.) now they’re busting out pretty little eggs! that makes me happy.



another thing that makes me happy: singing ani difranco (“in a coffee shop / in a city / which is every coffee shop / in every city”) in my classroom – alone, of course – because it has a really cool accordion part, and because i am going to become a famous righteous babe someday. then, walked from my room to discover a pudgy little fourth grader standing in the hallway – heard the whole thing – giving me big mischievous “caught you” eyes. later, I ordered the kick-ass birthday boots i’ve been eyeing for the last month – black, tall, eye-lets, with zips. saucy.

oh. and one more thing: read this in the gretel erlich book (“this cold heaven”) today: “it is easy to see how all storms and all loves are merely local weather, how, with patience, one can always find a hole through which to fly.”

it makes winter become the passing thing that it is; it makes life shorter, and singing all the more mandatory.

totally blogging this

alternate titles: "the cost of living is high, but damn, the entertainment is cheap" or "welcome to the neighborhood" or "we figure out how to use the video button on our camera" or "multi-function cheese grater".

other ideas??

my big debut

andy took video of me practicing the first song i ever learned on the accordion . . . and here it is! from our home to yours, via the crazy internet. (two posts in one day? sharon bond, this is for you!)

dad-dles

we've had some problems downloading pics lately, but i think we've got it figured out now. here is pops. i'm actually taller - despite what the photo shows - although not as wise. he's only been here two days, but we have already put him to work shoveling wet, heavy snow. i have also yet to persuade him to go down our luge run, but i'll keep bugging him and hopefully he'll give it a try soon . . . between sledding, picking on my dad, and starting to "get" the accordion, my last day in my twenties is just as i would wish it to be.

we're stranded

YEAHHHHH! we had a mad rush early this morning trying to get our crap together so we could get out of town before the big snow really starts to fall, but alas, it was not meant to be. we're stuck! and i'm happy. unpacked the bags, got the pajamas back on. i think toivey is the only one really bummed because she doesn't get to sleep over at stella's house tonight. anyways, we're home, the snow is piling up, a big yellow moon has been out every night, and we've officially made the turn towards light! friday was solstice, 9:08 p.m., and the halfway mark for the school year. now that's truly joyous.

yesterday i finished up my last grades, then drew and i took turns going down our kick-ass new sled run. definitely heart-pumping (knee) anxiety while airborne. too fun! and then last night, after eating dinner with seldovia's best neighborhood clan, we witnessed the crazy brightness of the moon on the snow. there it was - huge and glowing - and here we are, tucked away, side-tracked, thankful, giddy, all of us spinning towards brighter days.

hope you all are exactly where you need to be.

enough said

OH YEH! i saw sandy elvsass at the craft fair today and she said she'd give me accordian lessons! i'm in deep need of help. as the pictures above attest to, i look retarded and have absolutely no style or tone or anything. but i play like i think i do. which means as soon as i bring the accordian out, nikos bolts upstairs and hides under the bed.
i've been in this weird space lately - sorta anti-social, but in a real goofy way. like today i dug through boxes and found my old tap shoes and started dancing like crazy on the wood floors . . . the first time in four years. f-ing fun! and last night i stayed up until 4 reading a book that's been stashed on my bookcase for a long time (teacher man, by frank mccourt), and it turned out to be a really good read. surprising to me - because it's about teaching high school - but (i hate to admit this for some reason) after reading it i feel re-inspired to give teaching my all, instead of just sliding through the days, like i have been lately.


anyways, while i've been napping during the day and staying up until the wee hours of the night, andy has been hard at work, as usual. (except right now, as i'm writing, he's napping on the couch - just like to point that out!) he is the best husband. he is building us a sauna. (shown here) and he doesn't even complain that i am a lazy bitch. i guess we all find our own way to get through the darkness of december. bar or work or sleep or eat or sex or fight or buy or blog.

stormy days

it's sunday afternoon, stormy as all get out, snow is gone, massive trees bending like twigs all around our house, a newly formed river running through our trail, sheets of metal roofing splayed across the property from the strong winds . . . and man, i couldn't feel more content being where i am right now. still in pajamas, a cup of coffee, a conversation with my pa, a warm fire burning, npr on the radio, rain pelting the windows, the low hum of the generator in the background, water boiling on the stove, cookbooks out, thinking bread. just feeling blessed. not bittersweet, nostaliga blessed, but solid in my slippers blessed.

big love to you all.

dreams of accordians / nakedness / nice old men

i've been pretend blogging the last few weeks (ie: lazy posts) because i've been sucked into the world of ebay. holy cow! accordians! accordians!! accordians!!!!! i've become a little accordian nut. i wake up in the morning: ebay. i come home from school: nap, then ebay. it's very addictive. and i don't even know how to play the accordian! but, man, big dreams i have for myself. polkas, cajun zydeco - i don't really care what i learn as long as it is danceable. i guess it's the romantic in me. i have old memories of a beautiful brazilian mtu friend playing the accordian naked. (keiko. anyone out there remember the daily mining gazette article about him playing naked at the laundromat in hancock? and some old finn called the cops? i must still have a crush on that boy . . . ) and these are the aspirations i have for myself? my poor mother. my poor employer. good thing the sweet n' clean is closed down. plus, my only possible teacher in town is sunni hilts. which . . . yeah. changes things.

but, truly. i want to make music so others will dance. i want to bellow and yip and stomp my feet. and i definitely want those accordian straps - like suspenders - but way more cool. it's like armor for girls with no musical talent and nice old men with beer bellies. i want that!

i've even promised andy that if i get one, i will practice. i won't just stare in a mirror and smile and make whooshing movements with my arms. i will practice! i will one day become an amazing accordian player who inspires millions to clean their clothes while playing polkas . . .

reality check #1: i don't really like to get naked in front of a bunch of people. i like to watch other people - preferrably cute brazilian boys with good accents - get naked.

reality check #2: i am just trying to persuade myself to place a bid on ebay for a beautiful, cheap, probably out-of-tune, old one-row hohner. and it's working! because i've just remembered another thing: the other day i told my students that eleanor roosevelt quote - "you must do the thing you think you cannot do" - and so, i am going to take my own advice and be a good role model for our youth and buy an accordian off ebay and learn how to play it even though i have no musical talent whatsoever. i can pretend for awhile that i do have talent, and then maybe i'll get better. and maybe our neighborhood really will form a whacked-out band, and then maybe i really will get better. either way: i'll get to bellow and yip and stomp. which is something. which is everything. which is why . . . yeah, i'm headed there right now.

hello, my name is mark

we all need some pure goofiness - especially in november - and mark is a damn fine source.



this picture is sorta inappropriate, but tracy's blog inspired me.
this is what happens when ati and i get together. and, these ARE the effects of a constant rain + beer + "brick house," for those who are curious.

ah, that ati! i miss her.

splashing about

guess whose birthday? you got it! the big 3-3, he is. and these photos were from 25 years ago. now that's crazy. i especially love the intertube photo. something about the light . . .

before the snow really starts to fall

why is it so hard to learn from our lessons? i'm not sure. but i feel like i've been repeating the same mistakes since i was like 19. it's silly. for instance. i re-remembered today as i was re-shoveling gravel down our atv-trail that i hate big machinery.

the short story: andy hand-dug an atv-trail this summer (so we could drive down to the house) and then, a few weeks ago, we had the opportunity to use free gravel for a car pull-off spot on top of the road. free gravel! place to park! these are positive improvements. and the pull-off turned out great, but it also made the atv-trail steeper. so then - and this is where things start to get messy - we had a friend come with his little bob-cat to try to even-out the grade of the trail. we wanted to get it done before the snow really started to fall. it was night. it was raining. the bob-cat got stuck. and now, everything is torn to shit. today, after work, we were back at square one: hand-digging our atv-trail to make everything ok again.

the sad part is that i learned this from my father, long ago, when the woods at the farm got hacked to pieces when it was logged, in october. so here it is, october, ten years later, our own land, and we're trying to rush shit with big machinery, but in the process, making things worse.

dad would say, "things grow back."

thank god for that.

hehho-hehho

"hehho-hehho" is a strange, sorta-degrading cajun term i learned from my older brother (the rye-guy) this past weekend. i'm not quite sure what it means. but i know louisianders (is that a word??) get pissed and roll their eyes when you say it, and therefore, it's very fun to say. i think we'll name our first child hehho.

here's photos of that handsome andy fella at the tux rental place (minus the vest and tie, which together, were seriously dashing).

"i better stand up straight if i have to stand next to miss louisiana"

this is true.

in the wedding party line-up they ACTUALLY have me standing next to the former miss louisiana (and runner up in the miss america pagent). her name is jennifer. she's very blond, very nice. it's like my brother's sick idea of a joke. i mean talk about hell on the old self-esteem. i was worried i'd be the fat, weird girl at this southern wedding . . . and shit, i hate it when my fears come true.

but. i get to see andy in a tux. and i get to see my brother - one of the truly finest people i know - on the happiest of days. (favorite ryan quote from the rehearsal dinner speech last night: "today is the happiest day of my life. because tomorrow i'll be married to you." poor guy! his intentions were so GOOD . . .)

anyways, it's time to put on those six-inch heels (fear two: falling down steps, hurting knee, dress flying above head) and prepare myself for a night of dancing . . . screw that miss louisiana!

ps. long, documented series of "andy all dressed up" coming soon!

ADDENDUM:
I REGRET ALL I SAID/THOUGHT/IMAGINED ABOUT MS. LOUISIANA. SHE TURNED OUT TO BE A VERY GOOD PERSON. SHE GAVE ME HOPE FOR AMERICA! OR SOMETHING. LIKE: DESPITE THE FACT THAT RACISIM IS ALIVE AND WELL THROUGHOUT OUR COUNTRY, AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE RICH ARE GETTING RICHER BECAUSE THE POOR ARE GETTING POORER, AND DESPITE A MILLION OTHER SAD TRUTHS ABOUT THIS LAND OF "UNITED" PEOPLE . . . WELL, AT LEAST THIS BEAUTY PAGEANT WINNER TURNED OUT TO BE A KIND, GENEROUS, HUMBLE, OPEN-MINDED GAL.
. . . ALSO. WE FORGOT TO BRING THE CAMERA TO THE WEDDING. WOOPS! SO, "COMING SOON" IS ONLY PART ONE OF AN UNFINISHED PHOTO SERIES OF THAT HANDSOME ANDY FELLA.